{"product_id":"i-have-no-hands-and-i-must-rub-oy-vey","title":"I Have No Hands and I Must Rub, Oy Vey","description":"\u003cp dir=\"auto\" style=\"white-space: pre-wrap;\"\u003eHarlan Ellison gave the world a cosmic horror story about a machine that stripped a man of everything except the ability to suffer. This patch took that premise, stripped it of dignity, and sent it to Hebrew school.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" style=\"white-space: pre-wrap;\"\u003eNo hands. Still gotta rub. Oy vey.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" style=\"white-space: pre-wrap;\"\u003eIt’s the kind of joke that doesn’t survive a single HR meeting or a single Thanksgiving table with the wrong relatives. Which is exactly why it exists. Woven, merrowed, 3.5\" square of concentrated “they’re going to lose their minds over this and that’s the point.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" style=\"white-space: pre-wrap;\"\u003eFor the people who collect the designs that get delisted everywhere else. For the group chat that already knows the punchline. For anyone who looked at the original short story and thought it needed more kippah and less existential dread.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" style=\"white-space: pre-wrap;\"\u003eThey’ll call it every name in the book. You’ll call it Tuesday.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" style=\"white-space: pre-wrap;\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eI have no hands and I must rub.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Cult of Tentacles","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":56126960206196,"sku":null,"price":10.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0992\/6026\/8916\/files\/20260917_152339.jpg?v=1789681315","url":"https:\/\/cultoftentacles.com\/products\/i-have-no-hands-and-i-must-rub-oy-vey","provider":"Cult of Tentacles","version":"1.0","type":"link"}